Happy birthday, Virgo!
You are married to someone with the same birthday as you, which is an assignment you’ve prepared for your whole life—by finding creative ways to make everyone else’s birthdays about you, instead. This is the true manifestation of a life’s work.
Your union is comprised of:
someone entirely indifferent to their birthday (him)
someone who once interrupted a friend during their real birthday to share that their half birthday was the following day (you)
The skies have been noticing that people who are divas about their birthdays are often the same people who insist on showing off childhood photos of themselves. I hope you are able to open yourself up to criticism here for just a moment or two Virgo, and acknowledge that you are both of those kinds of people.
It’s inconceivable to you that someone wouldn’t have six hundred thousand baby photos of themselves on hand at all times. Photos that can be (and are!) whipped out at a moment’s notice, should someone in your vicinity reveal their ignorance to your previous precociousness.
Proving the flip side of this theory—you’ve only ever seen one measly photo of your husband as a child. It wasn’t even from a particularly interesting year of his childhood! His baby years remain a total mystery to you, a mystery he is wholly indifferent to solving.
You first learned that your husband and you had the same birthday when you were bartending. You were never a good bartender, at least partially due to the fact that you were always more interested in talking to customers about The Bachelorette than knowing literally anything about alcohol whatsoever.
So one day whilst bartending, instead of, say, making drinks competently, or truly having even the faintest understanding of which cheeses and meats were featured on the charcuterie board, you decided to ask every customer sitting at the bar which celebrities shared their birthdays. Your Now-Husband, Then-Customer was sitting at the bar on this fateful day.
When you asked him which celebrities shared his birthday, he politely said, “Hmmm, August 26th, I don’t know which celebrities have that birthday.”
You shrieked. Aghast. Because August 26th is your birthday too, Virgo!
The fortunate, fortunate man then got to hear which celebrities have his birthday—a luxury his life hadn’t yet afforded him. For a reason beyond the comprehension of the skies, you chose to really hammer home that Macaulay Culkin shares his (and your) birthday. Why him, specifically, will remain a mystery forever, Virgo. Why focus so much on Macaulay, when August 26th is also the birthday of Melissa McCarthy, Keke Palmer, Mother Teresa, and John Mulaney?
Your grandma carried a photo of Mother Teresa in her purse for the last 30 years of her life, and you can’t even give her a little birthday shout out?
It takes a long time to fall in love with someone once they’ve demanded you explore your astral relationship to Macaulay Culkin, so there were a few more birthdays between this incident and your eventual love story.
Before marrying the queen of birthdays (who insists on unrelenting felicity on the day of his birth) your husband was someone who, halfway through his birthday would be like, “Oh, whoops, it’s been my birthday for six hours.” These days, it’s impossible for him to forget his birthday. By the time of day it would’ve dawned on the previous him that it was his birthday, nowadays he’s already been ushered through a spa treatment, escorted to the movies, and force fed two celebratory empanadas.
Dear reader, if you’re embarrassed that you didn’t get Virgo a birthday present, don’t fret—there’s still time to delight her. If you’re interested in delighting Virgo, please consider sending this newsletter to someone who would enjoy it.