You Ate Frankenstein
Week of February 23rd to March 1st, 2021
Ever since your second date with your 19 Years Older Than You husband, you have been incredibly vocal about how Absolutely Not Allowed To Die 19 Years Before You he is. Instead of simply savoring every blissful day you have together on this earth, try to play God!
You’ll read exactly one paragraph from one doctor claiming that beans help people live longer, which will somehow be all the convincing you need to make your entire identity revolve around consuming beans and force feeding them to others.
Some quick math reveals that the daily amount of beans needed to ensure an immortal husband will be expensive if you buy canned. You’ll pivot quickly to a life beside the stove, relentlessly stirring an enormous pot of beans, patting yourself on the back for being the first person whose husband will for sure never ever die.
The confidence of a few good bean batches will go to your head, Virgo, causing you to brazenly imagine you can cook fava beans without a culinary degree. You realize two hours into their boiling that there is such a thing as “shelling” the fava beans prior to boiling them, and that those heavy leathered bean skins that you thought “seemed weird” are weird and you are doing this all wrong. You’ll take the destroyed fava beans off of the stove and try to shell them but it’ll be far too late. The fava beans have become the work of nightmares. Some of them have this weird appendage-like thing growing out of them. It looks kind of like a beak and you will be absolutely terrified of them. Did you accidentally buy green, leathery, eggs somehow? Why do these beans have a beak!!!!
A few days later you watch The Hobbit, because there is no predicting how grief will take shape (oh yeah btw you will be grieving, shut up it isn’t your husband, I will keep the details a surprise ;)). In the scene in Desolation of Smaug where the group of men with rhyming names escape trouble, only to find more trouble—sorry, let me be more specific—When Bilbo and the dwarves encounter a scary family of spiders in the forest, you will see a familiar face. It’s the final spider to show himself, the one Peter Jackson obviously thought was the scariest of them all, a white albino spider, and you will look at his scary little face and realize that’s exactly what your beans looked like. Like the mouth of the albino spider from the Desolation of Smaug, a movie you had only seen once, when you were coming down from mushrooms, which I guess you internalized more than you originally believed.
You are repulsed to a cellular level, but food waste makes you feel bad, so you’ll keep eating the arachnid fava beans. They taste awful, especially now that you know they are actually albino spider eggs, but you’ll keep adding them to your meals because you are convinced it will make you and your husband live forever. Who wouldn’t want to be by your side for eternity, Virgo!