Dry Hand Accusations
Week of July 13th to July 19th, 2021.
Hello all! The skies sent this horoscope off to your inboxes around noon today, but it seems like there was some kind of glitch and that it never actually arrived. That’s why it’s so late today! Sorry for any confusion and thanks for reading!
Happy Anniversary, Virgo! As an anniversary present I have taken the liberty of compiling some past horoscopes of your dating experiences to remind you how great it is that you don’t have to do this anymore.
July 20th, 2017
Impress him by arriving late to your first date, Virgo. Cover up your nerves by talking about Breaking Bad for eight minutes straight after he mentions New Mexico once. Just because he hasn’t seen the show doesn’t mean he doesn’t crave your nuanced opinions! Do your Tuco impression and then generously dissect your performance for him with a full character analysis and explanation of each of the choices you made during your impression.
July 21st, 2017
You find yourself on top of the space needle on a second date you earned by never allowing him to speak on the first. You’re never on dates this nice, which you communicate by wearing cutoff jean shorts.
You offer to take a photo for a family, and become so worried that he thought you were posturing, trying to come across as affable on your date, that you follow that up with a detailed explanation of all of your flaws. You aren’t always so saintly as to take one photo for a family. Make sure he understands each of the weaknesses you have in every important area of human existence!
Spend the whole elevator ride down and walk back to your car bragging about the secret parking you found, ten hours for ten dollars! Make sure he really understands how cool that is. When you get to your car and realize you’ve received a $44.50 parking ticket, take this as an opportunity to tell him about each and every ticket you have ever had. He needs to know which ones you contested and which ones you didn’t!
March 22, 2020
Indulge in the purchase of some red nail polish since the world is ending. Sure, painting your nails is something you haven’t done in years, but why not try out this new personality from your shelter in place?
You are doing this for YOU, Virgo, and you are certainly NOT doing this for the guy you met on the F train who you later went on a date with who accused you of having eczema and then immediately demanded to know why you had unpainted nails.
This is NOT about Marc from the F train, who lives with his parents, who was forty five minutes late to the date, and who did not thank you for the tea that you bought for him while you were waiting, the tea that you handed him with your very cold hand which is PROBABLY what made it look so eczema ridden in the first place, not that it MATTERS what the hand looked like because he really just should not have accused you of having hand eczema!
This is not about that. This is about you. Do not let that which you hate define you Virgo. You will stop thinking about Marc from the F train as soon as the second coat dries. Why did you stay on the date for like three hours? Don’t answer that, Virgo.
These stories were merely the tip of the horrific dating iceberg—I didn’t want to overwhelm you on your special day, Virgo. Rest assured I will reveal more with time, when I am certain you can finally face your past. For now, happy anniversary!