Doomsday Lecher
An unnecessary, regrettable, metamorphosis.
Week of January 11th to January 17th, 2022
As is well documented, you’re afraid of everything, Virgo. Whenever you’re riding in a car your brain thinks I’ve never been in a car accident, most people have been in car accidents, I’m ridin’ on borrowed time for the entirety of the ride.
I must say Virgo, this cycle of yours worries me. Not because of the deep seated paranoia, no no, that’s certainly nothing I can help with from all the way up here. What does concern me about your incessant state of dread is this: if during 100% of your car rides you imagine getting into an accident, if said accident ever does happen, you will be under the false impression that you predicted said accident. This kind of perceived premonition could trick you into believing you have an inner eye, which would bring about an unfathomable inflammation of your ego and stubborn self certainty.
Your perpetual state of panic isn’t limited to the open road, no no. This week you’ll become convinced that your apartment might lose heat at some point this winter. Mere days after voicing your concerns, your apartment does lose heat. As the skies feared, this coincidental timing leaves you dangerously emboldened, convinced that each uneasy instinct wafting into your brain is of divine importance (instead of a drastic and panicked response to normal aspects of living).
You’ve lost heat in this apartment before, remember? A few times actually. You already have a pretty solid system in place for when this happens. This should come as no surprise either, since your building’s management company has made it clear at every opportunity that they don’t care if you live or die.
But you’d never guessed it was coming before, a marked change which predictably makes you insufferable from there on out. You’ll find yourself smugly reaching for the tarot deck you bought a year ago when you mistakenly believed you were introspective. Your then interest in prophesying couldn’t withstand getting your feelings hurt when you pulled the fool card upside down, and you hastily abandoned the honing of your inner eye.
This time proves to be no different. You’ll quickly realize you are disinterested in the work of a soothsayer, and condemn your tarot deck to the back of your desk drawer once more. You think your psychic work is best practiced in the field. You pivot instead to interpreting any anxious thought as absolute fact. After all, the heat did go out, didn't it! What else could go wrong!
Your supreme confidence in your own divination will combine with your abundant angst to create a monster. You’ll find yourself researching “best water purifiers” and looking up classes on how to make fire. There don’t seem to be many wilderness prep classes in Brooklyn, so you vow to take a trip to a remote Island in the Bering sea to learn from someone your manic research has led you to deem to be “the best.”
Which disasters are you preparing for, specifically? You aren’t sure, of course. Your sole certainty is that danger is out there, and since danger is out there, the only way to best it is with a belly full of clean river water and a homegrown fire pit.
You once were merely a fear caterpillar, squirming about, afraid of each of life’s many possibilities. You’ve since metamorphosed into a doomsday butterfly, flapping your garish little wings all over the mess you so feverishly anticipate.
Please don’t misunderstand me, Virgo. The skies usually love metamorphosis.
However, in this particular case I have to beg you to retrace your steps. Undo your panicked transfiguration. If you could even go a few steps behind where you started that would be great. I imagine you’d have more success as a trepidatious little butterfly egg or something. That feels like a good starting point.
The Skies Insist:
That you watch Hilary Duff’s 2003 music video So Yesterday. In it she gets over a neglectful lover by begging people near a boardwalk to wear a shirt that says, “Everything is Bigger in Texas” which we are to interpret as successful, cathartic, revenge.