Week of March 29th to April 4th, 2022.
You don’t have very much social stamina, Virgo. You used to be a shrieking social butterfly (‘shrieking' is not a specific breed of butterfly; I’m simply pointing out your garish presence), but when you stopped drinking a year and a half ago you realized you were less-so an extrovert and more-so just drunk for ten years.
You recently attended an out of town conference, which exhausted you to such a degree that since returning you’ve spent most days despondently staring at the first page of many different novels; then complaining (not about the novels; about like your skin and your goals and stuff).
You love to complain, Virgo, your detail oriented brain excels at identifying all the different things that could be improved upon (in your world, specifically). I thought today we could take a walk down memory lane to learn from your crestfallen episodes of the past, to prevent this one from carrying on for too long (you keep biting into apples in your bed with a harried recklessness that scatters the apple seeds into the deep recesses of your bed and it’s becoming really hard to watch).
Without further ado—a smattering of cosmic forecasts from two years ago:
March 26th, 2020
Spend 32 minutes arranging a dynamic tableau in your bedroom for your 13 minute and $260 video call with your psychiatrist. Consider every detail. Practice clutching a small teacup so you look sympathetic when you beg for more Ativan. Showcase your incredible taste in art by placing every single item you love in frame. There’s no way she could be furious with you for “experimenting” with your dosage of Lamotrigine while you’re sitting on such a whimsical couch underneath such a whimsical blanket in front of such a whimsical wall print!
She will be so charmed she won’t even consider reneging on her previous pity fueled allowance to see you every six months instead of every three (on account of you Having No Money). You are clearly doing great, Virgo, as anyone can see! Keep it up!
March 27th, 2020
Out of pity your therapist has offered you a free weekly phone call during your unemployment. You thank her for her generosity by scream-answering the phone beside a busy road and insisting that you two talk about her upcoming birthday. She is probably dying to talk to her pro bono patient about her special birthday plans while she is stranded in Maryland because of the virus! Another excellent step in your journey of mental health, Virgo!
March 28th, 2020
Today is a great day to organize your computer files, Virgo! Take an excruciating stroll down memory lane by reading through your creative writing assignments from college. Allow yourself to free-fall into a pit of self-loathing—and fast. Consider reaching out to everyone that knew you from ages 18-22 to apologize for any ideas or thoughts or feelings you may have shared with them during that time.
Reignite your longstanding loathing of a professor who wrote, “Safely, I hope” on a poem you wrote about being high on mushrooms. You are reasonably sure he never wrote “Safely, I hope” in the margins of the forty or so poems the boy in your class wrote about sleeping with women with “pillowy breasts.” Never let your fury die, Virgo. Fan those flames forever!
You will probably have to send notes of apologies to people that know you right now, too. Lay down, you’ve done enough reflecting for the day.