Since you’ve somehow weaseled your way into a loving relationship, all the toxicity rolling around inside of you must be exorcised by being horrible to something, Virgo, so you’ve chosen to be horrible to the wonderful city you call home.
There’s no doubt about it, Virgo, you are a bad boyfriend to New York. You’re always peering behind New York while it’s trying to tell you how its day is going, manically scanning the room in search of a different place, a better place, a place that makes you feel perfect and whole like you deserve.
Any amount of travel exacerbates these ugly behaviors of yours, Virgo. Simply strolling through a new place makes you want to burn your life down and start anew elsewhere. This week you’ll travel to LA, a place you’ve visited a trillion times. You do not even remotely wish to live there—but you’re weak, Virgo. And after one enjoyable LA breakfast in which you eat something called coconut bacon, you’ll think to yourself, I have found it, the place I can be whole and free.
You’re already prone to find mundane details about elsewhere extraordinary, causing you to believe that upon moving you will instantly become a woman with fruit trees, who stretches each morning after softly waking with the sun. Vacation exacerbates your already high predisposition to abandon ship, to break up with New York with a full bodied refusal to accept any blame for this ending.
You believe the ease you feel on vacation is because of the place you’re in, and not because you’ve left your laundry, work, and smelly dishwasher (what’s going on there?) behind. You’ll be close to this self realization on your trip to LA this week, but then a server will bring coconut yogurt to your table and say, “You are open hearted” because it’s the kind of vegan place that strangles you with their ethos instead of just feeding you, which is jarring enough to distract you from the self awareness you were close to stumbling upon.
By no means is this an exhaustive list, but you have fantasized about Throwing It All Away to move to:
-A small mountain town in northern California, the first place you could get to when you got a flat tire six years ago. As you ate a burrito near the repair shop, you browsed Zillow and thought, This is fate. It wasn’t, Virgo.
-A Scottish island in which life moved slowly and no one cared about improv comedy (an assumption you made that I can corroborate as true).
-A town in southern France called Mirepoix that you have never been to, but have decided is the only possible salve to any pain you have ever felt.
-An island in Vietnam called Monkey Island, in which you felt a fierce sense of freedom until a few courageous monkeys herded you onto a bridge, ripped out some of your hair and ate it in front of you (while making eye contact).
My advice for you Virgo, is when you’re vacationing somewhere and imagining what it would be like to live there, please remember your financial situation. LA will feel good this week because each day you’ll order a coconut for breakfast in a new, inventive form. That’s not what your day to day life is like at home! Nor should it be! You do not have specialty breakfast coconuts in your budget!
Beyond the financial side of things, Virgo—can you please just remember your own interests? Though it may seem like it would be a breath of fresh air to live in a seaside town full of people who have never known the feeling of desperately shrieking “Can I get a location?” to an indifferent audience inside of a drippy basement in midtown, these are experiences you actually like! I know you’d prefer to have interests like muffin baking or ballet, but unfortunately you are not as romantic as the vacation version of yourself wishes.
This week, please apologize to New York. Buy her some flowers or a heart shaped necklace and beg her to start over. Appreciate what she provides you, and remember how lucky you are to be with her.