Accidental Assless Chaps
Week of June 29th to July 5th, 2021.
You’ve worn a pair of wide-leg, elastic-waist, linen pants almost every day of the last year, Virgo. These pants have been your constant companion during this complicated time. They adorned you through your dark period this winter (an era in which you couldn’t bring yourself to do anything but manically complete puzzles while listening to the Sound of Music soundtrack and intermittently weeping).
These pants were with you when you mistakenly believed you were intelligent enough to be a poll worker, and helped you accept the reality that you were not.
I doubt anyone will believe me when I say this, Virgo, but you even got married in these pants. You had intended to look cute that day (oops!) but got overwhelmed and surrendered—deciding to pledge forever whilst wearing your trusty pair of breathable, wide-leg, elastic-waist, linen pants. You paired them with a strappy heel at least, but that wasn’t really enough to recalibrate the look.
These pants have clothed you through your biggest ups and downs. Which is why it is both tragic, and understandable, when your ass bursts through these pants—absolutely ripping them to shreds (in the ass region).
At first you’ll experience some denial. You’ll delude yourself into thinking this could be sexy. Sort of a comfy set of fishnets with an assless chaps vibe? When the reality finally sets in, (that your ass has shredded an innocent pair of pants) you have no choice but to purchase a second pair.
When the new pair arrives you hit it off, sure. But they can never replace the memories you made with the originals. Perhaps it is for this reason, that you refuse to get rid of the tattered pair. You instead commit to a series of lies about how you plan to repurpose these pants, and therefore have no reason to part with them.
These claims range from the small (I’ll turn them into cleaning rags!) to the impossible (I could repurpose these into a wrap top!). You’ve always wanted to be Someone Who Sews. You’re attached to the idea of creating magical garments in some sort of loft-like studio that the future you rents out for her relentless artistic experimentation.
Sometimes when a fantasy is with us for a long time we forget it is a fantasy. You’ve fixated for so long on this whimsical idea of who you could be that you sometimes forget that you’ve taken absolutely no steps to become her. Also, do you even want to? You’re scared of everything, sewing machines will probably freak you out too (very fast needles, etc).
You will tell yourself (and others—stop doing that, this is not an interesting conversation) that the dilapidated trousers you refuse to part with will be reimagined into a gorgeous set of cleaning cloths. Though more approachable than some of your wilder fantasies, (a vest for your husband who you have never seen wear a vest) turning a tattered pair of pants into usable rags will still require certain tools and focus—two things you are never interested in acquiring or maintaining.
Instead of moving these ravaged pants to some sort of crafting area (get a crafting area, Virgo) you’ll leave them in the same drawer as their replacement. This will lead to a lot of light sitcom confusion and several ass related scandals. Many times this week you’ll feel a soft breeze across your rear—nature’s careful alarm that you grabbed the wrong linen sack from the drawer and the whole supermarket has a front row seat (to your ass).
On the one hand, it does seem wasteful to throw out so much fabric. On the other, is it any better to just stuff them into a drawer forever? This week (every week, also) I recommend a dose of reality—either you learn to transform your ravaged pants into cleaning cloths, or you get rid of them. Is there a way to donate fabric to people who can sew? Why haven’t you looked that up before!
Whatever you end up deciding Virgo, I am begging you to just take action. I can see this turning into something you keep for years, intending to use for crafting, only to part with it in haste when you’re moving and furious (like that cake tin you thought you would repurpose into some sort of sconce??? How would you have ever done any of that?!).